Confessions of a Serial Monogamist

Contrary to the beliefs of some, I never had that random lesbian experience in college. Or a period of time where I slept with every man who looked at me. I’ve never even had a one-night stand. Why is this?

I am a Serial Monogamist.

I was recently diagnosed with this condition, but it is something I have been suffering with for quite some time. You may have met us. We are the women who seem to go from one emotional relationship to the next. Many times these relationships are long-term. Sometimes they include sex. On rare occasions, the sufferer is unaware that she is in said relationship.

A Serial Monogamist is different than a serial dater. She prefers, for whatever reason, to focus her energy on one man at a time. This does not mean she has to be ‘dating’ this male. Research has come to no conclusions on this.

When not in a committed relationship, a Serial Monogamist has, at one point or another, exclaimed to herself or a friend: “Tonight, I am going to get drunk and have sex with someone!” Both you and your friend know that is a lie. Maybe you’ll make out with Someone in a corner. But that’s as scandalous as you’ll get. You are not a prude, though: If Someone happened to be your adoring boyfriend who was somewhat similar to Jim Harper, Ned Stark or even Ron Burgundy, you’d be delighted.

You crave the flowery ‘connection’ before the penis. And you are not going to find it with some guy you just met at the bar who bought you a Miller Light when you clearly asked for a Guinness.

You are interested in knowing what it is like to sleep with someone who isn’t invested in you in some way. Isn’t that part of growing up? But you are cautious of the emotional consequences. Maybe one time you slept with one of your friends. You weren’t ‘dating’; you were just going out for beers and watching movies occasionally. Maybe you went to the zoo once or something. You were proud of that. It was probably the closest you’ll ever come to a one-night stand. But let’s be real, that doesn’t count. You know as well as I do that there was cuddling involved.

The Serial Monogamist is curious of the world she has not yet explored. In other words, when will she wake up naked next to a guy she doesn’t know? And why does she feel like she is missing out on something? Is it due to the culture that places less and less significance on sex?

Whatever the reason is, you keep on doing what you’re doing. At the end of the day, sex is best when you are comfortable. You don’t need to get all “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” on his ass and demand he tell you right now if he needs you and will love you forever. But perhaps caution is good. Besides, sex can be made to be so unimportant so easily. In a world of things so easily overlooked, I want to keep the magic.

Author: Kailey McGarvey

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