Ladies and Gentlemen:

Wanna get your freak on with the hottie at the bar that you’ve been accidentally stink eyeing all summer? Have you been too nervous? Have you been too lazy? Have you not known how to approach that sexy beast of a man/lady/whoever’s butt you want to touch? Well, we’ve got all the tips and tricks to bagging that babe. This is real life, honey-bunches. Cosmo isn’t gonna fix your shit. Bitchtopia is. Here’s what to do next time that sexy loaf of lovin’ walks into your favorite bar:

Don’t go to the bar by yourself. No one likes a lone wolf. Bring every single one of the girls and boys that will be in your wedding party. Your future partner needs to approve of them on the first encounter or there’s no hope for you.

Order yourself a glass of milk. Then order your future love-making-master (or slave) a glass of milk, too. Break out your baggy of cookies. They’ll be impressed by the fact that you come prepared (with snacks!!!).

Hair flip. Hair flip. Hair flip. And if you don’t have the hair for it: head flip. Create a window tunnel with the constant flipping and the potential annual sex guest will be swept into your funnel of love for life.

If whiplash is not for you, bat them lashes. Bat them until your eyes are streaming with tears and your potential bedtime-playmate has to offer you a hankie (or a tongue to lap up your sexy sex tears).

If you end up playing pool, skeeball, darts, or air hockey, NEVER LET THEM WIN. Beat them relentlessly, mercilessly with the blunt objects that the aforementioned games usually entail. Kiss away the blood that will be flowing freely from their broken nose. Whisper gently into their ear that you never back down, will never back down. They’ll admire your strength and good sportsmanship.

Bring your cat. Your future sex buddy will love that you’re so loyal and interesting and sweet and loving and contracting toxoplasmosis.

Send your gaggle of future wedding partiers to deliver love notes to your potential mutual butt touch-er from across the bar. Love notes are an eternal hallmark of romance.

Ignore their very presence until they know they’re your bottom bitch. It works every time.

Sit on their lap. Don’t even bother sitting next to them. Let them know of your interest immediately. You can’t pussyfoot around all the livelong day. You’ve got butts to touch!

Don’t wear pants. Just wear a t-shirt. You gotta show off the goodies and the only goodie that matters is your butt (in my most humble opinion).

Hunch over and drag your knuckles on the ground, swinging at anyone who comes close to your future sex maker. ASSERT YOUR CAVEMAN-LIKE DOMINANCE AT ALL TIMES.

Stop being smart.

Wear your period underpants or the boxers encrusted with jizz. Sweatpants it out. Yoga pants it up. IF THEY CAN’T ACCEPT YOU AT YOUR MOST DOWNTRODDEN, MISERABLE DRY-HEAVE SOBBING DIRTY ASS WORST, THEY MOST CERTAINLY DON’T GET YOU ONCE YOU’VE SHOWERED.

Walk into the doors until they open them for you.

Eat an entire burrito from Chipotle (or Taco Bell if you’re feeling feisty) prior to encountering your potential intercourse buddy. Spice up your life, my little ones!

Show them how big your tongue is the second you make eye contact.

Tease them (your nipples, I mean).

Play hard to get. Harry Houdini yourself into a straight jacket and wink at them until they catch on.

Tell them all about how your mom ruined condoms for you by telling you they are balloons for your body. Let them know of your balloon animal talents later on that night.

Have fun! Be safe! Let us know of your sucsex stories!

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