SHUT IT DOWN. Just quit it, dude. You’re done. Because here’s the thing: DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH YOUR DONG, but I do not need to or want to know about it and I officially know too much, Anthony. WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SO UN-SEXY SEXY TIMES, but you’ve unwittingly forced them upon us with your sheer and utter stupidity and for whatever reason NO ONE is making you pay for it. You just keep on truckin’ and I really haven’t the faintest idea as to why or how because you don’t deserve to keep on truckin’, buddy. You deserve a swift kick in the nuts and some serious sex addict help because you’ve gone too far and you still think you’re capable of holding office. YOU AREN’T, YOU SEX CRAZED PREDATOR. You’re not trustworthy or noble or even smart because the smart thing to do would be to give the fuck up. We no longer hold any respect for you. You’ve trapped your wife (who needs to just GTFO) and yourself in a k-hole of sleazy tabloid scandal and no good will come of it if you continue on your merry way. SO STOP. Get some real help and get out of my face.
ALRIGHT. BRACE YOURSELVES BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO SPIT SOME TRUTH. BABIES AREN’T SPECIAL. There it is. There. I said it. I just don’t care about babies. Sure, they’re cute and they smell nice (sometimes) and you can cuddle them, but like I can also spray my teddy bear with some perfume and I’m golden. It’s not that I am raining on your baby’s parade (Kate and William), it’s just that the obsession with any one singular baby is beyond me (EVEN THO I DEMAND PHOTOS OF NORTH, YE, I NEED THEM). Babies are babies. Women give birth to babies thousands and thousands of times over on again given day and we don’t see any of those new mamas getting the attention that all these celebrity mamas are getting. AND YES, they are celebrities, but it’s also like… It’s a baby. It can’t even talk or add any value to modern day society. Like… it’s not even a real ass human, you guys. It’s just an adorable tiny version of the shitty human it will grow up to be. (Everyone is shitty. Get over it.) SO WHY MAKE THE RUCKUS? I’m only gonna care about babies if they start paying my rent and that is probz never going to happen so STOP, WORLD. GIVE IT UP. Babies are just babies and if it’s not my baby, I don’t care. (FYI, NEVER HAVING BABIES, JUST SAYIN’.)
Financing College/Student Loans/Broke Ass College Students
(oh, look another baby photo)
It’s that time of year again. Student loans. What in the hell is this world coming to? I just don’t get it, you guys. Why is our education so expensive? Why do I have to shell out more money than I can even think about in order to “better myself” and “get ahead in life”? Why am I selling my soul to the banks that are “struggling” in order to get myself a piece of paper that says I did good on learning!? WHY!? IT’S FUCKED UP AND I AM SO SICK OF IT. AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO because the amount of debt that the American college system is dumping onto any given student is terrifying. And for a lot of us, insurmountable. Education is the core of our future, but if we can’t afford education, why bother? It’s shocking to me the amount of money that schools are asking for and I just can’t even. Like I wanna cry. I get anxious and sweaty and miserable. And ugh. What even. I can’t even articulate right now. My world is ending. UGH.
Remember: I am not Buzzfeed. I AM ONLY HUMAN.
England (kind of)
(also the Spice Girls)
OH SHIT. ARE WE GONNA HAVE SOME CONTRADICTIONS UP IN HERE? No. I mean… Congratz on the new spawn, Great Britain, but that’s not why you’re one of the hits of this week. You’re one of the tops this week because I dig that you’re nixing Charles Darwin from your currency and stamping the beauteous bust of our lady Jane Austen. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. That nice lady that wrote those love stories that I pretended to read is gonna be all up on the pounds which is super cool. ALSO, Her Majesty Q E 2 totez gave the thumbs up on gay marriage and I am ALL ABOUT THAT. Thanks, ladybird, you’re the best. ALSO, Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock. YES, I AM SORRY, I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT, but it’s soooooo good so England gets mad cred for that, too. I’m lovin’ it!
While Beyonce is always on the top of my list, ALWAYS, her weave gets mad props for surviving an almost death by fan. Yeah, that’s right. Beyonce’s weave got stuck in a fan and SURVIVED. Queen B’s weave became entangled in a stage fan during one of her recent performances and HER WEAVE WAS FINE and so was she because she just kept singing because B and her weave are fierce as fuck and just keep on keepin’ on.
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