Time for some weekly hater-ade (and nice stuff, too, I guess).
I usually don’t like to make blanket statements about people or things or whatever, but Florida definitely deserves some good ol’ raw hatred because fuck you, Florida. I’ve only really been to Key West and Key West is swell because there are margaritas and Ernest Hemingway’s cats and gay people and key lime pie, but as far as the rest of the state goes… Florida just needs to quit it. Their twisted laws and justice system are so inherently flawed that a man walked free for murdering an unarmed teenager who he provoked in the first place. The flaws in their jurisprudence have put away innocent people who were doing their best to protect their own lives from abusive partners and meth head neo-nazis. It is not the juries. It is the law and that’s all on you Florida, you Disnasty-World-swampy-cess-pool-of-coconut-oiled-up-privileged-retirees/criminals. Also, if Stevie Wonder ain’t gonna fuck with you, nobody should. Get your shit together. Like I can’t even.
WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT? I grew up in the dry heat of Southern California and have relocated my sad, miserable, sweaty body to the Midwest and I don’t know how anyone is doing it because IT IS NOT OK. Like my body is not equipped to let loose all this sweat upon the world. I am literally slipping around the city of Chicago. I am just sweat. I am all sweat. I step into the hallway of my building and I understand the headline that frequents the Chicago news channels during the summer: Warm Weather Violence. OF COURSE, PEOPLE ARE COMMITTING CRIMES. This weather begs for murder. Sitting in a pool of your sweat (and probz other people’s sweat if you use public transportation like me) day in and day out is why blood is spilt. I get it. We must revolt. As in, someone please help me fill up the kiddy pool I bought for my roof. I have a pitcher. Bring buckets.
I don’t usually watch TV. Like at all. I have Netflix. That is the extent of the television I watch so when I visit my family, I defzies catch up on all my shitty television watching (i.e. Fashion Police and local news). So, lo and behold, I rage the second Fox News starts doing what Fox News is always doing: being ignorant, sexist, biased, racist, repugnant Republican puppets. I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot of descriptors, but I am trying to do this new thing where I don’t cuss so much when I am angry so I am going for big fancy words, you guys! Anyways, Fox News threw a little bitch fit when Obama (who has been decidedly non-existent these past few weeks) finally commented upon the Trayvon Martin case. Fox News flipped out that Obama was raising racial tensions by saying that he could have been Trayvon Martin. Sorry, Fox News, but Barack Obama is special and all, but he is NOT the person responsible for the racial tension that is building within our country. It’s a group effort. I’m gonna pin it on Florida for the time being and probz you, too, Fox News.
My list is so lame this week, you guys. It’s the fucking humidity. Motherfucker.
HOLY BALLZ. Have you seen this movie? Why haven’t you seen this movie? Are you going to see this movie? Are you buying tickets right now? Oh, you’re broke? I don’t give a fuck. Go rim someone so they will buy you a ticket to see Pacific Rim because it’s worth it. It’s worth that rim job. I SWEAR TO YOU. Sorry. I just like the idea of Pacific Rim and rim job and just like… IDRIS-ELBA-TOUCH-MY-BODY. This movie was legit so good that I had sexy emotions through the entirety of my Pacific Rim viewing experience. I love Guillermo Del Toro and his aesthetic and he nailed it with Pacific Rim. It was fun and fucking badass and there are robots and swords and huge ass nasty monsters and IDRIS-ELBA-TOUCH-MY-BODY and Charlie Day and it was just good, you guys. Like go see it. I had so much fun and I usually hate summer movies because they’re just so boner-rific, but like… in a bad way. Yeah, YEAH, boner-rific can be BAD, OK? But this is like a good boner-rific. This is a REAL good boner-rific. (Insert another something something about rim jobs.) GO SEE IT, SUCKAS. IDRIS-ALBA-TOUCH-MY-BODY. UNF.
Entenmann’s Mini Chocolate Donuts
I hate donuts. Like for real, I hate them so much, but when I get my grubby little baby hands on a bag of Entenmann’s Mini Chocolate Donuts, all bets are fucking off and I am a melty chocolatey gorge-y mess. I live for it. I love it. I’m all about it. They are probably the stalest donuts of all time. In fact, I’m not even sure they qualify as donuts because there is so little donut and so much chocolate that they’re such fakers. They wanna be donuts, but all they are is a mound of chocolate and dough in my tummy. For real though, I’d eat these for the rest of my life if I could, but I can’t, but I’m probz gonna try anyways. Get in me, Entenmann’s Mini Chocolate Donuts. The love I have for you is undeniable and my mouth is watering as I think about how you melt just a little bit between my fingers right before you ascend to my mouth hole and I munch down on your beautiful little tastiness-ness.
Justin Timberlake’s “Take Back The Night”
UGH, JUSTIN, HOW YOU SLAY ME. Not only am I so in love with the first half of The 20/20 Experience, I am so pumped for the second half which is due out late September. JT channels old school Michael Jackson in most of his work, but it’s so real in the new single and I’m digging it. Homeboy is building his brand with these sexy-man-jams and I’m down with it. My best friend says that Justin Timberlake is my sex music and I used to deny it. But I can’t, I just can’t deny the sexy anymore. Check it.