I’m mostly a hater, but I guess I like stuff, too. Check it.
The 3 Things I Hate This Week
1. The Sun
Fuck off, hater. You’re the worst. You are not my friend. You’re the goddamn devil and I need you to go away like right now. Particularly when you’re all sticky and humid and AWFUL, JUST FUCKING AWFUL. I’ve sweated in places that probably don’t even have sweat glands this week (also, I failed anatomy so don’t get on me about sweat glands and their locations; let me be whiney, GOSH). And I am so tired of doing laundry on a regular basis. I am a starving-artist-college-student-with-a-shit-part-time-job. Shelling out these quarters on the daily is taking away from my beer budget and a girl has gotta get her beer on at the end of the week. ESPECIALLY SINCE IT’S HOT AS TITS OUT. So just back the fuck up, sun. We don’t need your kind ’round these here parts.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, but I been played a fool because I THOUGHT, I HOPED THAT BOYS WOULD EVENTUALLY GROW THE FUCK UP. However this continues to be disproven by all these man-boys traipsing around willy-nilly like it ain’t no thang that they are just being childish little assholes. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, BOYS. Wake up and realize that. People are not here to take care of you whenever, wherever, however you may need them to. We (ME) are people, too, and do not need to deal with your little baby ass drama about your “feelings” and your bullshit. So grow up. Get a hair cut. Move out your mama’s place. And quit snorting coke. Also, do NOT buy that Pacific Rim action figure. Buy somebody a drink.
BE GONE, MOTHERFUCKERS. You’re literally the bane of my existence and I want to kill you with my bare hands, but I’m not supposed to touch you (at least that’s what Tyra taught me) and so you win. BUT COME ON. I’ve been so on top of washing my face and toning and moisturizing and not sleeping in my makeup (all the time) so you need to understand that I am putting some time and effort in and I REALLY NEED YOU TO CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK BECAUSE I HAVE A DATE WITH A NICE (hopefully not a man-boy) GUY TOMORROW NIGHT and I do not need Mount Vesuvius all up on my business. SO I am gonna rub some lemon on you and sacrifice a couple small animals tonight and you better recognize who is boss and GTFO.
I AM GETTIN’ SO BUZZ-FEED-Y HOLLLLAAA.
The 3 Things I Love This Week
1. The Killing
IF YOU HAVE NEVER WATCHED THIS BADASS PERFECT WONDERFUL AWESOME COP CRIME DRAMA TV SHOW, THEN HOP ONTO MY BANDWAGON CUZ WE RIDIN’ OFF INTO THE SUNSET WITH JOEL KINNAMAN (the Swedish American actor who plays Detective Holder on the AMC television series). Kinnaman is one of the many sexy individuals on the AMC show, that is currently in the throws of its third season. I’ll make this quick. Holder is sexy and misunderstood, but tough and suave and street smart. Linden (played by the incredible Mirielle Enos) is the intense, intuitive red-haired detective who shuts the shit down. The two are currently pursuing a serial killer who has been going after young female runaways and sex workers. The show has been digging into the underbelly of Seattle’s street culture, focusing particularly on runaway queer and transgendered individuals. Bex Taylor-Klaus who plays Bullet gives me so much hope for young Hollywood. She’s killin’ it. This show is beautiful and bringing me so much joy in this god-awful summer slump. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. IT WILL SAVE YOU. I PROMISE.
#BLESSED GET IN ME YOU GORGEOUS FROZEN FRUIT JUICE STICKS THAT ARE DELICIOUSLY PHALLIC AND DELICIOUS. YOU GIVE ME LIFE. I EAT YOU IN THE MORNING, IN THE EVENING, AT 3AM WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP AND AM LONELY. YOU’RE THERE FOR ME AND I WILL BE FOREVER INDEBTED TO YOUR GLORY MUCH LOVE XOXO
3. Jay Z
Fucking Magna Carta Holy Grail. Holy shit. I love this album so much I dreamt about Jay Z inviting me backstage to enjoy free strawberry daiquiris with him and JT and QUEEN B. Like that’s how good this album is. I dreamt about it. THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED IN ALL MY LIFE EVER. So you should probz check it out because I am all about it. And I am usually never all about a Hov album, but this time, I am all about it and you should be all about it, too. BE ALL ABOUT SOMETHING. DO IT. Also, if you wanna have cool dreams where you enjoy delicious frozen alcohol beverages with pretty close to the coolest people like ever, then listen to it.