Top Seven Reasons I Am Proud To Be An American

(Ingrid put me in charge of doing this, so I apologize in advance for what is about to happen here. I’m truly sorry.)

In no particular order:

1.) Kelly Rowland’s “Kisses Down Low”

I’m proud to be an American because we got hot-ass-mighty-goddess-pop-star-warriors like Kelly Rowland championing the tingly-body-touching-magic that is cunnilingus. Sure, other pop stars have alluded to the pure ecstasy that is getting someone to go downtown on your mighty nice lady bits, but let’s be real here: Kelly nailed it on the head (OF YOUR VAGINA/CLITORIS? I MAY NOT HAVE PASSED ANATOMY). It’s sexy. It’s demanding. It leaves almost nothing to the imagination. And Kelly is killin’ it in the video. (Except for that weird red pixie cut wig thing. Like stop.) So thanks, America, for letting Kelly talk all about making out with a vagina on the radio. I’m all about it. #VAGINAKISSES


So, like lots of political stuff has been happening. Generally speaking, the politics in America (and the world at large) make me want to eat frosting until I can’t feel my outer extremities and/or emigrate to New Zealand or wherever they keep the kiwis (the fruit, not those weird ass little Suessical creatures), but I’ve got to give it to the government (parts of it) and the politicians. They’ve been stepping up their game and standing up, sticking up, and fighting for something. While we still have so much work to get done, it’s good to know that we’ve got people that have got our backs (for the most part) up in Washington D.C. and I am all kinds of proud of us. (PS #HILLARY2016 #LADYHILL4EVER)


(Isn’t that photo awesome?) Like the North Star of the barren wasteland that is the pop culture of today, Baby North (A Kimye Collaborative Production) will lead us out of the darkness and hopelessness and on into the bright future of tomorrow (or just more awesome episodes of whatever they are calling the Kardashian shows now). Also, like I so need North and Baby Blue Ivy (Jay Z and Queen Beyonce’s lil one in case your life has been devoid of all meaning for like the last year or so) to be BFFz. Like I just need to know that that is happening or will be happening at some point in my life. Like my soul needs it. Needs it real bad. AMERICA NEEDS IT. (ALSO, IT’S SO FEMINIST AND RIOT GRRRL THAT KIM AND QUEEN BEYONCE BOTH WERE LIKE ‘FUCK THE PATRIARCHY’ AND GAVE BIRTH TO FEMALE BODIED INDIVIDUALS.) #THEGREATnotwhiteNORTHbaby

This is starting to feel soooooo Buzzfeed-y. FUCK. THIS MUST END.

4.) Butts

Because what the hell is more American than a tasty lil booty and when I say tasty lil booty, I also mean big and juicy and when I say big and juicy, I also mean medium and rare. Gimme dat booty meat because booty is like meat, right? Also, American meat is good, too. And ya’ll know what I’m talking about when I say meat. Like you know. #BOOTYTOWNUSA

5.) The Wild Wild West

(Not the movie with that fine ass, Will Smith, but that could also definitely qualify as number 4 on this list.) I LOVE COWBOYS. Gimme some of those Marlboro men and some cactus and golden tan bodies and iguanas(?) and big ole mountains and like… other stuff that is western? I don’t know. Just listen to some Hank Williams and you’ll know.. it’s just like “fuck yeah, I’m an American.” #SEXCOWBOYS

6.) Amanda Bynes

Like yes. Celebrities losing their shit brings out the best and worst (mostly just the worst) in everyone. Everyone has something to say and everyone thinks their something to say is the very best [worst] something to say, and while it is super shitty for these celebrities who clearly, probz, defzies need some help or some hugs, it’s just a great example of our freedom of speech and why it’s so awesome (or something cute and American like that).

7.) No wonder I am still single. Look at this list. #4EVERALONE

7.) ____________________________________. (This is the fill-in-the-blank section where you get to tell us one of the reasons you’re proud to be an American, this year in particular. But mostly I just got super lazy and wanna go eat the last slice of provolone cheese in my fridge. SO COMMENT OR TWEET US AND TELL US WHY YOU’RE GLAD TO BE REPPIN’ THE RED, WHITE, AND, BLUE THIS WEEKEND.) #DIYBitchtopia


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