The Manly Plan

“Axe deodorant bodyspray is the all-over bodyspray with long-lasting fragrance and effective deodorant protection designed to seduce the ladies. If you spray it, they will come.”

Prepare yourself. Do you really want to do this? Constant attention and continuous affection may not be what you’re looking for. Think about it. One spray, and that’s it. You’ve got the attention of every girl, every girl in the whole world.

One spray and your new, busty, brunette girlfriend, Angela appears at your bathroom door, as if drawn to you by a powerful magnet under her 36D breasts. Beauty, brains and big breasts. Angela has got it all, including that dreadful, evil, green monster of envy.

Everything’s going swell until your big sexy toe leaves that cold tile bathroom floor and reaches for that bachelor pad necessity, your maroon shag carpet. Every girl within a hundred foot radius senses that single step and inches closer and closer toward you. Every girl within a hundred foot radius senses that single step and wants you.

One spray and your usually standoffish, elderly neighbor, Edna from apartment 4C, floats her way down the hallway and taps on your door, led by this bizarre carnal craving she hasn’t felt in years.

One spray, one tap on your door, and Angela senses it, steam blowing out her dainty little ears. She shoots you that look. Lips parted, teeth parted, eyes wide, eyebrows raised, she glares a glare that could petrify a pit bull. You’ve seen that glare before, yet never as scary, and each time, you swear to yourself you will do anything to never see that glare again, and fairly often, you fail. Here it is again. The look, the glare. A masterful mix of disappointment and jealousy.

The fun hasn’t even started yet. One more step, one lift of that sexy big toe of yours and the Axe ripple of hotness will expand another hundred feet in every direction.

Every middle age crisis mother with her reading glasses and menopause book. Every college slut, the walking STD. Every teenage chonga with her Sharpie lip liner and crunchy hair. Every teeny bopper with her sparkly pink Limited Too shirts and boy band crushes. Every creepy goth chick with her obscene piercings and hate for life. Every nerd, bookworm, hippie, hooker, cheerleader. They’re all yours. They all want you, and they won’t give up until they get you.

One spray and that’s all yours. But is that really what you want?

Think before you spray.


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